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| If you've never had any difficulty with your weight, you probably won't understand what motivates someone to write down and publish to the web her struggles with weight loss. That's okay. Surf on and have a great life. I'm doing this for me, and for anyone else who has felt hopelessly entrapped in a self-destructive cycle of overeating. I don't know if this page will be about my success or not. Somehow, though, I think that chronicling my journey here will help me get rid of all that extra weight I've been carrying around all these years. I'm hoping writing about it here will be cathartic. |
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One: August 21, 1999
Weight: 316lbs. Weekly Goals:
Thoughts So Far:
Progress So Far:
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Three: August 23, 1999
Writing this from the picnic table overlooking the river above the old ferry landing. The sun is in a full clear sky, hot, and there is a lot of wind. I walked here as fast as I could (which wasn't very fast) and now my legs and back are aching. I'm going to sit here and write until I'm all tapped out and then continue on around the water tower and home along the gravel road. I'm still a bit discouraged by how much it hurts physically to walk, but I'm trying to remind myself of when I first got the dogs and how walking down to the landing then produced the same sore back and aching feet and legs. I know it won't be long before my muscles are used to it and it doesn't hurt anymore, but I can't sit around waiting for that day because #1) it won't happen if I'm sitting around and #2) even if the pain doesn't go away I still have to find some way to force myself to keep walking. I'm sure exercise is the first big step towards losing weight and I'm set in my mind to do it now. I've done the fat trip, hidden behind all these pounds for long enough. I've learned how to feel beautiful and useful and desireable despite being enormous, and now I'm going to let it go. I know it's going to be a long haul. I have over 200 lbs. to get rid of. That's 2/3rds of my body weight. Even if I lose a pound a week, that's still going to take about four years and I know from experience that it's going to take longer than that -- there will be set-backs, weeks when I gain instead of lose, periods of depression, lethargy and denial. I have to mentally prepare myself for those now. Otherwise I'll just quit again and go up and up. Ironically, four years puts me into my 40th year. Somehow it seems appropriate that I should be entering a new, healthier lifestyle just as I reach that monumental age. |
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Four: August 24, 1999
What do I mean by EXERCISE?? For me, exercise is any kind of movement that gets my heart rate up and gets me breathing a bit deeper than usual. It's really exercise when my back and legs ache and my skin feels all warm. Just writing these wrods makes me feel both frightened and exhillerated. I want to exercise, but really I want to run marathons and triathalons... Why? I have no idea, except maybe because it's fure-fire failure at this point, and I'm kinda addicted to failure, sad to say. But it exhillerates me too because I know that each day I get a little stronger... the pain doesn't hurt as much or come as often and afterwards that rush of endorphins is heaven. Also, it exhillerates me because I get this little glimmer that maybe I can some day be strong enough to do that impossible marathon. Maybe??? |
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Seven: August 27, 1999
This week has been going much better for me. I'm almost back to where I was in terms of walking without pain. It's amazing how fast your body adjust. I've walked three days out of four, and each day I get a little stronger. |
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Ten: August 30, 1999
Weight: 310lbs. (-6lbs) Without really trying I managed to lose 6lbs. All I did was cut out most of the junk food and force myself to walk -- I managed to walk 4 out of 7 days. I still feel as though it might have been a fluke, losing that weight, and that next week I'll have gained it all back and more, but as long as I'm losing I'm going to try NOT to get caught up in that worry cycle. I'm just going to walk and eat sensibly and see what happens. I'm also going to try to do things that bring pleasure into my life in ways other than eating. Yesterday I sat on a high, bald hill overlooking the river, all awash in wind and sun. Took lots and lots of pictures which I hope will turn out. I'm going to try to do something like that every week, to remind myself of all the beauty in the world around me and my place in it. Goals: -- lose one pound -- walk every day -- continue to cut out junk food. This is my philosophy: focussing on the exercise... getting out and walking, and right now letting the rest take care of itself. I've been pretty successful this week and looking forward to another good one. |
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Thirteen: September 2, 1999
A friend asked, "What does it feel like to you to be hungry?" I'm so rarely hungry I find this question difficult to answer. For me it builds like an anxiety... all fluttery and difficult to control. And even this doesn't seem like true hunger. When am I ever really hungry? There are a few times I can recall feeling nauseous, when I haven't eaten and launched myself into the day, only to feel very ill by about 11 a.m., and then just eating something small like an orange or a piece of bread eases the feeling. I don't think I've every really been hungry. I'm hoping that I won't lose more than one pound this week. I want to lose the weight, obviously, but I'm concerned that losing it too fast will be harmful to my health. So, this week's theme... all things in moderation. |
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Seventeen: September 6, 1999
Weight: 311 lbs. (+1lb.) Okay, so this week I gained one pound, but I'm still 5 lbs. lighter than I was 3 weeks ago. The important thing here is to focus on my goals for this week and work toward them. One thing I didn't do this past week was exercise. I only walked the dogs twice and both those times were yesterday. The small-steps philosophy means that this week I'll simply walk the dogs every day. Just once, but every day. Tomorrow I start the next phase of the book Potatoes Not Prozac. Spent this week writing down everything I ate or drank, and how I felt both physically and emotionally. Weekly Goals: --lose one pound --walk every single day --move on to the next phase of Potatoes Not Prozac. |